Your mouth is God's brothel.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
