matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Be still, my beating vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
