I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
