Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
