turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
