Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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