I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
