just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
