Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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