It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
