I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Four minutes until I can fart!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
