6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
