I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
