This dress was meant to end up on your floor
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
