o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
