he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
