I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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