whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
