just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
