hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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