Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
