allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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