my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
