I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just high enough for therapy.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
