Say something about gay babies.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize