I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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