i love accidental penises.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
