like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
