I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize