And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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