I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You're a waste of cheezeits
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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