roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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