____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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