we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
