every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
