I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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