this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
