just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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