My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and she was petting her beer can
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
