I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
