So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
