Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
