Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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