I hate your face
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
