just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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