how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
