im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
