I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
