I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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