Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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