i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
In America we eat man semen.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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