She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
