Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
