whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
