so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
