ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
