I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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