Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
