Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
